BNN Wire-
July 8, 2021
Chicago, IL.- Mayor Lori Lightfoot under mounting criticism of her perceived inability to curb gun violence in her/she/it’s beloved city, has announced a progressive new gun control plan that just might do the trick. Hailed by the Biden Justice Department as “Shear Genius”, Vice President Kamala Harris was quoted as saying “I wish I thought of that”!
The Mayor invited a group of all minority press to City Hall, in order to announce her plan to curb the loss of innocent victims, due to stray bullets. “I now realize that STOPPING gun crime is just impossible”, stressed Her Honor. She continued, “That would be as foolish as blaming the GUN”.
The new program is entitled “Firearm Under Control Kids” (FUCKs). This program would get kids off the streets and teach them marksmanship, thereby reducing the number of innocents shot. The Mayor explained “The real problem is gang members don’t know HOW to shoot properly. We need to give today’s inner city youth not only the tools, but the SKILLS in order to succeed in today’s world”.
The Mayor ended her press conference by saying “Now let those racist, lesbian hating, female hating City Council members try to say that I don’t give two “F.U.C.K.s”.
The above article is a parody. If you couldn’t figure that out you must be a WOKE snowflake.It appears this file is already present in your media library as post 62568!
13 replies on “New Chicago gun control program”
Jeff Wagner on 620 AM often says you shouldn’t go by gun deaths but by shootings, since any shooting could be a death if the gang banger could just shoot straight.
I suppose the success of the program, were it real, would depend on whether the gangs want enemy bodies or just general fear. A drive by that leaves a random body certainly helps the latter but does nothing to the competition. On the other hand, making them much better at taking out each other and less likely to kill someone useful and productive might just make some crime spiral downward faster.
I always said that it was a self correcting problem. It just might take some time. But with the help of our leftist comrades w are getting there.
Even though this is satire, Shitcago would try something like this, they’ve got their heads so far up their a**es.
I’ve boycotted the Shitty-city ever since Governor McCheese took over, as everyone south of I-80 doesn’t count any more. And I used to like going to the city to see the White Sox, check out the museums, and to eat at Reza’s (among a thousand other great places). Oh well, it’s dead to me now.
I was born there…south side. Sox fan, white that is (is there any other color?). The Sox that is. I wasn’t saying that I am white. But I am. But who cares. Moved to Cicero (THEY cared) at age 10, and then GTFO at 17. Went into the ARMY (Became green before the new deal) Real shit hole now. Cicero and Chicago, not the ARMY. But then again…..WOKE!
Now in Wisconsin Wonder what took me so long.
From Cicero huh? So you know Larry Dominick? Just kidding, I’m a friend of his brother in law, a long time Cicero cop. The people are what I miss about going to the city, the real people, that is, not the yuppie lefties ruining the place.
I’m from Streator BTW, just an hour south of where you came up. I also joined the Army to get out of IL, but now I’m back, a lifer – I will not give up on my state even though the big city has destroyed our economy with their scumbag unions and corruption (one and the same). I want to leave most days but I can’t let the scumbags win, so I plod on in misery.
The author of Scrappleface would be impressed. The folks at Babylon Bee as well. Very nicely done!
Thanks Ron! Came to me over a cup of coffee this morning whilst trying to pull my head out of my ass. Think I should shop it to Scrappleface?
I have bugged Scott many times about restarting Scrappleface. He “claims” he is too busy. Maybe we should crowd source a version here and put up an Ode-To-Scrappleface channel on the Forum where members can post their own satire.
I don’t know if there is an appetite for satire. Look at the response this posting got.
Not sure the title was obviously satire enough. But others have posted similar pieces. Maybe if we gave them all a home, 5000 people might come up with some good stuff.
Perhaps. I/m in!
I posted one up here ‘ala’ Babylon Bee called Heraldo Rivera supports HAMAS. We may be able to start a ‘snark fest’.
Gene, I’m in Schaumburg, IL.