I Have Solved the Border Crisis

When the crocodile tears of photo-op-staging, Gucci-wearing, well-to-do dilettante socialists fail, it’s time to deploy more serious assets. Thankfully, the United States, with its deep veins of talent, has just the right people in its arsenal. The decades-long investment in research & development that has produced them is finally about to pay dividends.

Our culture has been blessed with a bumper crop of dedicated, tireless social critics. Our press, our entertainment industry, and above all our universities (home to the vitally important SSCR: Strategic Social Critic Reserve) have the assets we need in hand. They are on our cultural payroll already, and would surely volunteer in droves to fulfill the important humanitarian mission of warning would-be immigrants away. Deploy them to the border, where they can more effectively deter the benighted masses before they make the terrible mistake of crossing over into this mean, unfair country. Remind them of the quaint, idyllic beauty of unending poverty in their indigenous lands, and the noble glory of Central and South American socialism. Enlighten them with theory as you are uniquely qualified to do — if only they will stop running north toward freedom and opportunity long enough to listen. I can’t see how the people we need to recruit wouldn’t be on board with this. It’s a perfect way to fulfill their mission and reduce suffering. Let’s give them our full support and help them get started today.