Virtual President – A Clean Bill of Health

Full Video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y42EFjdlb6E

 

Full Script:

A show of hands, how many of you are presently still waiting for your stimulus checks?  After much kicking and screaming and dragging of feet, Congress has finally FINALLY gotten around to passing a bill in both houses.  What should have been a simple process, handled in a day with a single page and a unanimous vote, has instead become a partisan dumpster fire burning low these past several months.

The bill has been delivered to my desk this morning and I know many of you are anxious for me to sign it in all haste.  However, having read what’s actually in it, I cannot in good conscience allow it to pass.  Thus, I am vetoing this bill and sending it back to Congress once again to revise, redraft, and resubmit.

I understand that this announcement will shock and anger many of you who are counting on this money, and you deserve an explanation as to why I have reached this conclusion.  Please listen carefully, as it will seem counterintuitive at first; but I promise that it is in your interests and for your benefit that I have done this.  That ultimately, it is the Congress who has betrayed your trust and abused the power you’ve given them, robbing you of your hard-earned money and holding up the works for what are ultimately very bad reasons.

Allow me to explain …

Normally, I would be against a stimulus bill of this kind out of principle – that it’s not the government’s job to pay your bills, or to hold a gun to your head and force you to pay that of your fellow citizens’ either.  However, that is not my reasoning for objecting to this particular bill.  In this case, the government itself is directly responsible for the present state of affairs.  The government is responsible for sweeping economic lockdown and the recession, layoffs, and furloughs that followed.  These measures were necessary at first in dealing with an emergency – when we were still in the fog of war and we knew little about the enemy we were facing – and the information we’ve gathered in the past year has allowed us to refine our process such that things can start to get back to normal.

However, the government ultimately bears responsibility for the fallout of this decision, and thus you are owed something for your pain beyond just our gratitude.  You have real needs that have been set aside for the greater good and it’s time you are repaid for your effort and sacrifice.

I understand this, but Congress appears not to, and here now is the reason for my veto.

The reason is because Congress – that rotten, disgusting den of thieves, that vile pit of vipers, of bloated bureaucrats and conniving politicians – has seen fit to take your money and put it towards their own pet projects.  To load your stimulus bill full of fat and pork to pay back the donor class and special interests who bought them off and who keep them in power.  I am rejecting this bill because I cannot, in good conscience, sit idly by while Congress steals your money and applies it to further corruption.

Roughly $500 billion in aid is going directly to individuals and to small businesses impacted by this crisis – and it’s times like this when we must put it on the credit card to deal with the immediate disaster in front of us.  I am prepared to sign that bill, and if Congress had put that bill in front of me today, I would not hesitate to pass it; but that is not the bill they left me.  $500 billion is meant for you.  However, the entire bill that just passed is over $4 TRILLION dollars.

Let me say that again: The bill is $4 TRILLION dollars, but only $500 BILLION is going to you.

That means that over three-quarters of the money they took from you isn’t going to you, but to some other cause.  Meanwhile, you’re out of work.  Can’t afford food.  Can’t afford rent.  Your loved ones are dying in the hospital.  Wouldn’t you like to know where that money is going?  What your money is being spent on during a crisis?

Here are just a few of the things that Congress feels are more important than you:

 

• $1.5 million for a bridge to New York, where Senator Chuck Schumer happens to be from.
• $50 million to organizations like Planned Parenthood.
• $852 million for groups like AmeriCorp, on top of the $1.1 billion they already received last year.
• $200 million to the Institute of Museum and Library Services, which is almost as much as their yearly budget, and they don’t even audit how that money gets spent.  But I’m sure they’ll be an integral part in combating this current crisis.
• $270 million to the National Endowment for the Arts and Humanities, which is more than their annual budget.  Again, an integral player in this current situation.
• $350 billion going directly to bailing out the States, with New York and California getting the bulk of it.  Conveniently, this is where Senators Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are from.  Meanwhile, if you’re from one of the other States with fewer cases, you’re expected to remain in lockdown without compensation.
• $128.5 billion for K-12th grade education, which won’t even reach the schools until years after this crisis is over.  For that money, we could buy every kid a new laptop, free internet, and convert to wholly online-education that is of better quality than what they’re getting right now.
• $36.9 billion to higher education, on top of the $12.5 billion they received already.  Which, for that amount of money, you’d expect we’d be pumping out doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, and tradesmen of all stripes … Instead, your children are taught that math is racist while honors programs get shut down across the country.  Maybe Chuck Schumer can use woke math to build his bridge to nowhere?
• $86 billion towards pension plans without any reforms put in place to address how poorly they were managed in the first place.  Meanwhile, your own pension suffers as a result of having to pay for this.
• $50 billion to the Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, which includes money paid to cover burial and funeral costs.  Why that money isn’t going directly to hospitals and the families of people who died is beyond me.
• $1.5 billion for Amtrak, on top of the $3 billion they already received last year.  Meanwhile, Amtrak continues to lose hundreds of millions of dollars, despite constantly being propped up with subsidies year after year.  Those of you who ride the train, do you feel you’re getting your money’s worth?  For that amount, we could have high-speed luxury rails across this country that are clean and always arrive on time.

 

This is just a handful of the bloat that plagues your stimulus bill, and there is far more than this left unsaid.  Your tax dollars at work.  Are you happy with the result?  Because this is what your money has bought.  These are Congress’s priorities, which they decided over a glass of fine wine and a pint of ice cream, meanwhile you lie awake at night wondering where your next meal will come from.

Are you happy with the service your representatives are providing you with?  Because in addition to all this wasteful spending, all this pork, you’re also paying their salaries, which I hear range upwards of $150,000 per person per year.

$4 trillion dollars divided across 330 million citizens comes out to just over $12,000 for every man, woman, and child living in America.  If we divide it up only among the 144 million taxpayers, that’s well over $27,000 per family that you’re paying over your lifetime.  Yet you were only promised a measly $2000.

Do you think you’d be able to survive and do some good in this world with an extra $27,000 in your pocket?

Oh, and did I mention that some of that $4 trillion is being funneled towards illegal immigrants as well?  I’m not talking about refugees, mind you, but economic migrants.  People who broke the law, who have no right to be here in the first place, who pay no taxes, yet are coming here because of the promise that they might help themselves to some of yours.

$500 billion is set aside for you, while Congress took $3.5 trillion for themselves and their friends.  You traded a dollar and got two nickels back.  Does that seem like a fair deal to you?

 

While we could argue whether any of these programs might be worth funding in their own right, are these really necessary during an economic crisis?  If the point is to bail out the American people, shouldn’t we do everything we can to fast-track that money directly to them and let them decide how to spend it?  To put it directly into your pocket?  

Instead, Congress shuffles that money around through some glorified shell game as though they were a common street hustler aiming to con you.  They tie up that money in earmarks, riders, amendments, pet projects, special interests, and massive amounts of pork, and then have the audacity to turn around and try to shame people like you and me for not going along with it.  To call us irresponsible and reckless and corrupt.  To accuse us of hating the poor and wanting grandma to die because we won’t sign off on their trillion-dollar scam.

Negotiation is an inevitable part of politics, but this is a hostage negotiation and the American people are the ones being held hostage by this bill.  Terrorism is the use of fear, violence, and intimidation to push a political agenda, and we do not negotiate with terrorists.  And make no mistake, this is an act of systemic violence of the highest order that will maim and murder many of you if passed.  Thus, because I care about you, because my duty is to protect and serve you, I will not sign this bill!  

I will not allow these terrorists and traitors to hold you and your money hostage.  To allow these con artists and thieves to steal from you.  To allow these white collar muggers to abuse you further.

Instead, I have drafted two bills of my own as a counter-offer.

The first is a clean stimulus bill authorizing $500 billion to go directly towards the American people and to small businesses.  $500 billion, not $4 trillion.  No earmarks, no special interests, no swings and roundabouts, no twists and turns on its way back to you.  Just a straight check in your hand.  The entire bill fits on one page, in clear language, which you can read in less than twenty minutes, with no option for riders or amendments.  

A simple yea-or-nay vote on a single issue.

I expect, and you should also expect, every member of Congress to sign it before day’s end, and we shall begin the process of wiring you your money before the week is out.  

 

The second bill I’m putting forward is called “The One and Done Act.”

In concert with Senators Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and others, we have put together a bill which, when it’s passed, will require that any and all future bills drafted by Congress must meet the following standard:

 

• Firstly, they are not to exceed one page in length, single-spaced, 12-point type, written in plain English without legalese, such that anyone with an average reading level can read and understand what’s in the bill within the span of twenty minutes or less.  For anything more complicated than that, requiring precision in dealing with a complex issue, Congress must pass a two-thirds vote to extend the length to five pages, but this is likewise a one-and-done deal.  No chaining together of endless strings of pages, as that would defeat the purpose.  A supermajority is required to avoid the partisanship of a simple majority, such that only those things both sides agree are important and necessary get passed.
• Secondly, each bill must cover only a single issue without amendments or riders attached to them.  No more horse-trading or under-the-table dealings with lobbyists.
• Thirdly, every Senator and Representative must certify under oath or affirmation that they have read the entirety of the bill and understand what it contains.  If we’re expected to read through a Terms of Service agreement and be bound to it, the least we can do is hold our lawmakers to the same standard.  Failure to do so will result in a charge of contempt of Congress and grounds for impeachment or censure; and falsifying this certification will result in a charge of perjury.

 

No more excuses.  No more surprises.  No more of this “we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it,” nonsense.

I put it to you that any Senator or Representative who doesn’t vote in favor of these two bills isn’t actually concerned about you or your interests.  They don’t care about you.  They’re just here to grab money and power for themselves, and to rack up status points by how loudly they can signal their virtue.  They are traitors, terrorists, and thieves who are anti-American to their core, in which case you should contact your State officials to have them recalled immediately!

I think that’s something we can all get behind, right?

You don’t need to wait for me to drain the swamp.  You have that power yourself.  All that’s required is you find the willingness to come together and hold your elected officials to account.  Remind them who’s boss and demand that they pass a clean bill of health, so that you can get paid what you were promised and get back to business as usual.

In this way, we shall make America greater than ever and build a future of freedom for all.