Real confidence is grounded in honesty, and a humble ability to learn from your failures to become attractive and strong. It’s a character component in short supply today.
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4 replies on “Confidence: How to Learn from Your Failures to Become Attractive and Strong”
“The master has failed more times than the quite has tried.”
I once taught a 2 1/2 day painting class where one of my students was paralyzed by her fear of making a mistake. Being presented the opportunity to speak with her privately when she was the first to arrive in class on the second morning, I decided to roll the dice to deliver what could either be taken as constructive encouragement or take a dark turn into my having to talk her down off a ledge. (Not exaggerating here – adult students can exhibit a surprising degree of vulnerability – at least, really surprising to me, anyway.) Plowing ahead I said, “Yesterday you told me you were reluctant to start the project because you were afraid of making a mistake. Well you know what? You’ve already made the biggest mistake you possibly could have made – you wasted 7 1/2 hours of an 18 hour class you traveled 1,500 miles to take, and now you can never get that time back. But the great news is you survived that big mistake, so now you can put that fear behind you and forge ahead. While I try to design my classes to help you avoid mistakes, what you can most take advantage of while we’re together is tapping my vast experience on how to fix them, because it sure seems like I’ve made them all. We’re not in heaven yet; in our fallen world, have confidence that mistakes are an inevitable part of human endeavor. We rarely question why things go right and we can learn a lot from when things go wrong.” To her credit, she took it well and had a great time throughout the rest of the class. And therefore so did I.
i failed until i realized that i was growing faster than i was failing. life is good.
“Believe in yourself” is an empty platitude. The only thing that gives it depth is knowing who you are in the first place, which is a more difficult task than it sounds like up front.
I remember one of my sons (who had very little confidence at the time) was under the impression that titles were what made things, people, great. It was almost like (and he was a HUGE Michael Jordan fan) Michael Jordan was great because his name was Michael Jordan. He loved the town of Chicago, and Chicago was the greatest place because it was called “Chicago”.
I went a little far there and added “name” because though that’s not what he SAID, it was closer to what he meant than “Michael Jordan is great because he is Michael Jordan”…. which is actually true at some level. But he didn’t understand that what MADE Michael Jordan *Michael freaking Jordan* was hard work, effort, and a willingness to fail again and again to learn how NOT to do it (like SpaceX). In his head, Michael was just born with these skills and was destined to be this way whether he wanted to or not.
And if HE (my son) wanted to be great at something, it wasn’t just a matter of “believing” in it. You *DO* have to believe you CAN. But it’s not going to happen on the first try. Or the 50th.