It’s Not the Coyotes

In Thursday’s presidential debate, Donald Trump disparaged freedom-seeking pre-adult immigrants who cross the southern border:

Children are brought here by coyotes and lots of bad people, cartels, and they’re brought here, and they used to use them to get into our country.

[Emphasis added.]

Courageous blue-check Twitterati immediately jumped on this speciesist slur. Dar’shun Kendrick told Trump to “stop talking.” (He should.) David Hogg said, “The level of xenophobia is sickening.” (How true.) And there were many more.

However, what these Brave Souls of the Resistance™ unfortunately got wrong is that it’s not coyotes that are helping swell our voter…er…um…are assisting those poor souls to find freedom in the U.S.

It’s armadillos.

After crossing the border, a child celebrates with the armadillo that brought him here.

This is our little resistance secret, so don’t tell anybody, but we have enlisted a veritable army of armadillos, dubbed “armayotes” by adoring locals, to sneak “illegal” immigrants across the U.S. border with Mexico.

Armayotes undergoing intense training at a secret location in downtown Brownsville, Texas

Thus far, armayotes have successfully carried as many as four children to safety in the U.S. without detection. Of course, that’s out of 1619 trained armayotes, but we expect the success rate to skyrocket sometime soon.

An armayote flees Border Control agents

Again, this is a super secret, clandestinish operation that we don’t want Trump to find out about. Baphomet knows what he’ll do to those heroes of the animal kingdom if he does.

(Another secret: At the Canadian border we use mooseyotes. Shhh!)