News broke this past Thursday afternoon via Twitter that fighting had broken out between key members of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, or DCCC for short. The infighting came as a surprise to nearly everyone in the United States as we were told that the only election that matters is the Presidential Election. As a matter of fact, Joe Biden is currently being victoriously paraded through the streets of America by the legacy media who have magically bestowed upon the confused septuagenarian the title President-Elect. After some extensive digging and several large bribes to unscrupulous characters in the underground media; Doppelgänger Satire has discovered that the DCCC has actually lost several key seats in the House of Representatives and will have a razor-thin margin majority in 2021 when the 117th Congress assumes office on January 3rd. It would seem that Democrats in The House and Senate are not nearly as satisfied with this election as the legacy media and Nancy “We have a mandate” Pelosi would have Americans believe.
Many speculate that the cause of the animosity between the members of the DCCC stems from a disagreement between the moderate and progressive wings of the party. Reporting from a DCCC post-election call on November 5th indicates that comments from more moderate party members like Abigail Spanberger (VA-7) and Connor Lamb (PA-17) were critical of many of the more socialistic policies that were being pushed by many on the more progressive wing of the party. They claimed that those extremist views were what caused the poor performance of Democrats in more moderate districts across the country on Tuesday. Spanberger, who very narrowly held her seat over Republican firebrand Nick Freitas, even went so far as to say that Democrats should never use the words “Defund the Police” “Socialist or Socialism” ever again. Rep. Connor Lamb agreed. Rep. Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (FL-26), who lost her seat to Carlos A. Gimenez on Tuesday, was even heard crying on the call and complaining, “No one can pronounce my name!”
The progressive left wing of the Democratic Party is led by the coolest four girls in school: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY-14), Ilhan Omar (MN-5), Ayanna Pressley (MA-7) and Rashida Tlaib (MI-13). They call themselves “The Seriously Questionable Authoritarian Democrats, or SQuAD for short. The SQuAD did not respond kindly to the criticisms coming from the extreme right of the party. Rep. Rashida Tlaib hit back on several key topics and accused critical moderate Democrats of “…being okay with people dying because air pollution is causing cancer” and “…look(ing) away while black people are gunned down in the streets.” But Tlaib wasn’t done there, “What a privileged, white pig,” She tweeted in response to Rep. Connor Lamb’s comments. “You probably voted with Trump more than 10% of the time too, you corporate Wall Street sell-out!”
Several anonymous sources have come forward to report that the actual reason for the hostilities between members of the DCCC has very little to do with the actual performance of the Democrat Party across the nation this past Tuesday. Sources indicate that members of the SQuAD have been keeping and maintaining a binder that they use to write their thoughts and opinions about other members of Congress with which they disagree. The so-called “Burn Book” was accidentally left on the bench of the congressional cafeteria on Monday afternoon by Ayanna Pressley. Sources also indicate that the “Burn Book” was found by Debbie Mucarsel-Powell while she was entering for her 6th period lunch on Thursday.
Reports indicate that when Murcarsel-Powell found the burn book she couldn’t believe it. Rumors about its existence have circled the House of Representatives since 2019 when the members of the SQuAD first stepped foot in the capital. Many people did not believe it actually existed. Doppelgänger Satire was provided with a small sample of four papers containing copies of several sheets that are reported to be included in the burn book. The page labeled “27” contains a picture of Rep. Mucarsel-Powell with a conquistador’s helmet sketch over it with the caption: “this girl has to walk a corner to raise campaign funds because nobody can pronounce her name.” This would certainly explain Mucarsel-Powell’s reported comments about her name on the call. A page labeled “12” contains a picture of the popular children’s cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants with “Marc Veasey (TX-33)” written underneath. A page labeled “142” shows a picture of Abigail Spanberger with “This salty byotch worked for the U.S. Government killing brown people in the Middle-East!” The last page of the packet is labeled 114. It contains a picture of Connor Lamb with the slogan “Doogie Howser Senate!” written underneath.
Anonymous sources that are extremely close to the SQuAD indicate that the incident has fractured the group and called into question Pressley’s ability to perform her duties appropriately. One source said that she overheard Ocasio-Cortez in the bathroom before third period Spanish class saying that she was looking for someone to replace Pressley for their rendition of that famous Kwanzaa hit “Light My Candles with a Burning U.S. Flag.” Another source said that she overheard Ilham Omar in the library before gym class say that both Mondaire “Mondi” Jones (Rep. elect NY-17) and Ritchie Torres (Rep. elect NY-15) would be a better soprano and would look better in the traditional kaftan outfits that would be worn for the performance.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was the only current member of the U.S. House that we were able to reach for comment before publication. We photographed Mrs. Pelosi on her way into the office of famed San Francisco plastic surgeon Dr. Richard Tuck without a mask. We caught up with her after her appointment and after viewing the photographs she was more than happy to provide us with an official comment on the record. “The American people have given The House a very clear mandate to do great things this year,” she said. “The Democratic Party is not known for being very diverse in thought but our constituents sure are.” When we asked her who she thought the Democratic constituents were she replied, “Anyone who is on government assistance or makes more than ten million dollars per year. The bookend constituency! Now I gotta go, these drugs are really starting to kick in. I’m starting to sound like Joe Biden!” Mrs. Pelosi then adjusted her bandages from the surgery and hobbled to her car with the help of a congressional page.
Despite what people of the extreme right may say about this year’s election; it is clear that we in the media are attempting to grant the Democrats the upper hand for at least the next two years. They have a diverse majority in the U.S. House, a hopeful majority in the Senate (depending on the results from the two Georgia run-off elections in January) and a well-aged Joe Biden seated behind The Resolute Desk. Time will tell if the Democrats can put the “Burn Book” controversy behind them and heal the world before we are all consumed by Trump’s never-ending hatred, division and (of course) Climate Change.