Governors Andrew Cuomo, Gavin Newsom, and Gretchen Whitmer of New York, California, and Michigan, respectively, today announced new mandates to combat the uncontrollable explosion of new COVID cases that all information outlets on their side have proven beyond all doubt to be happening.
The new orders, identically worded in all three states, require pregnant women persons infected with zygotes and embryos to socially distance from those parasites within them. A six foot separation has been set as the inviolable standard and will be strictly enforced. Violators will be subject to a minimum 25 year prison sentence and sexual transition surgery.
In Albany, Cuomo simultaneously hailed the measure as “a visionary step in the right – I mean correct – direction for the nation, brilliantly executed by my fellow – I mean co-equal – Governors Newsom and Whitmer.”
In Sacramento, Newsom simultaneously hailed the measure as “a visionary step in the right – I mean correct – direction for the nation, brilliantly executed by my fellow – I mean co-equal – Governors Cuomo and Whitmer.”
In Lansing, Whitmer simultaneously hailed the measure as “a visionary step in the right – I mean correct – direction for the nation, brilliantly executed by my fellow– I mean co-equal, Governors Cuomo and Newsom.”
When asked which of the three came up with the idea, all of them simultaneously answered, “Who can tell?”
4 replies on “Three States Get New COVID Orders”
Nice.
Did you write this for the Babylon Bee or the Onion? You should submit it for consideration.
I’ve thought about doing that before. Submitted one to the Genesius Times last month. No reply. Maybe I’ll do this one somewhere.
Just checked; neither the Bee nor the Onion accept unsolicited material. I’ll try GT again maybe.
A spokescreature for BLantifa commented on the measures with the organization’s customary assessment of everything: “RRRAAAAACCCCCCCIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”