Full Script:
Recently, this country witnessed the trial and conviction of Officer Derrick Chauvin for the murder of George Floyd. To those paying attention, this verdict was not at all surprising, and I had even predicted publicly that Chauvin would likely be convicted on all counts.
Likewise, I had also predicted that even the harshest conviction will do nothing to quell the riots or appease the mob of violent race-baiters and anarchists, much like the election of the resident Imposter-in-Chief did nothing to stop them either. Both events put the lie to the motives of these lawless looters and angry activists who claimed that justice and opposition to authoritarianism were their reasons for committing acts of violence.
In their own words, they have told us that their motive is vengeance; but what happens when those who chant “No justice, no peace,” are the ones committing daily acts of injustice themselves?
Perhaps they ought to be careful what they wish for, they might just get it.
For years now, there have been active calls for the defunding and outright abolition of police as a proposed solution for perceived brutality and bigotry. Several failed Autonomous Zones have come and gone, devolving into murder pits, while other cities burn. Vicious mobs of violent protestors destroy and loot their own communities, including black-owned businesses and working class neighborhoods, even as these same radical activists chant Black Lives Matter and profess a need to elevate the poor. They are, in many respects, the authors of their own misery and have become the very monsters they claim to oppose.
The irony remains lost on them, and will doubtless continue to remain so until reality smacks them in the face enough times to snap them out of this spell.
In the meantime, such wanton destruction cannot be tolerated. Many good and honest people from all walks of life would like to come together and put a stop to it, but their efforts are hamstrung by the media-political complex who profits off such race-grifting and destruction.
Nero fiddles while Rome burns …
Right now, attempts to restore the rule of law are being diluted by the poison spewed from these venomous snakes who hiss and moan and cry: “All cops are bastards.” Politicians and pundits openly urge their followers to take to the streets. To continue screaming and throwing tantrums like angry, spoiled children until they get what they want, no matter how bad the result of that might be for themselves or society in general. Nevermind that most of these vile, shrieking harpies within the media-political complex live in gated communities away from the rabble, surrounded by armed guards and private security that you can’t afford.
I’m sure they are more than capable of understanding what it’s like to live out in the backwater or the inner city, where the plebs and peasants in fly-over country dwell.
There are even members of Congress who have signed onto the slogan of defund and abolish the police, which to any casual observer would appear to be a flagrant violation of their oath of office. For how can you preserve and protect and uphold the law when you remove the very mechanism meant to enforce it? The same people who decried the trespass and vandalism of the U.S. Capitol as a form of violent insurrection now openly and unapologetically incite others to violence. Whether it’s Chuck Schumer’s own daughter chaining herself to the doors of the Senate during the Kavanaugh confirmation, or BLM invading and occupying the State Capitol in Oklahoma, it’s clear they only care about rules and civility when it suits their narrow purposes.
Otherwise, such principles and consistency get thrown out the window. They claim to care about fairness, but have no problems cheating to win. No problem fanning the flames of hatred and division, since they won’t personally be the ones affected by it. As I’ve said before, predators don’t like armed prey; and without police serving as a deterrent, what is stopping an escalation in violent crime?
Perhaps a few impeachments and even criminal charges are warranted, since it’s wholly predictable what the outcome will be, and what will follow from such hostile rhetoric. After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right?
However, I am not unreasonable. There may well be something to their claims of systemic injustice throughout our country and our culture that are worth exploring. Our federated system, after all, allows for a plurality of government. Different cities and States are free to experiment with different methods. To A-B Test policies and tactics in order to find what works best; and in that same spirit, I too am prepared to meet these activist politicians halfway and test out this idea on a smaller scale. It’s important we are surgical about this sort of thing and not try to apply such an experiment too broadly, of course. After all, we want to be able to undo the damage quickly if things go wrong and we need to change course, so a small handful of test subjects will suffice for proof of concept, from which we can then extrapolate.
I know many of you are probably nervous about who will be the chosen guinea pigs for this experiment, but rest assured, I think you’ll be satisfied in my selection. Each and every member has already given their tacit consent, through both their words and their actions.
Sometimes, the best way to cure people of bad ideas is to give them exactly what they ask for, and to give it to them good and hard. Therefore, in solidarity with those members of Congress who call for defunding and abolition of the police, I am issuing the following policy.
Please listen carefully.
As Virtual Commander-In-Chief, and head of the Executive Branch, it is my duty to ensure the law is faithfully carried out, and it is my purview to issue orders to all law enforcement officers under my charge. My administration has already gathered a running list of all public officials who have made statements either for or against this anti-police position. As of tomorrow I will be directing the D.C. Capitol Police and other federal police escorts, including the FBI and Secret Service, to stand down and withdraw their protective services. However, this shall only apply to those who have come out against the police, which I think should prove satisfactory to all parties involved. The anti-police politicians get an opportunity to stand by their principles and lead by example, whereas law enforcement agents don’t have to risk their lives saving people that hate them.
Plus, it probably saves some money too. It’s an all-around win-win.
I likewise call upon all governors and mayors to adopt similar policies, rescinding their protective services from members of the media-political complex that take such radical stances as defunding or abolishing the police. Save yourselves the hassle and find better uses for your time, your money, and your selfless sacrifice, such as maybe putting it towards mental health services and social work that we’ve heard so much about.
As an added bonus, it works out that many of these same people are also anti-gun, so I’m sure we can expect creative solutions to the problem of self-defense that many of them will face.
Of course, such a grand experiment needs a control group, and that is where the pro-police side and the pro-gun side comes in. Those that stand by our law enforcement officers and our right to bear arms, or who otherwise are reasonable in merely calling for common sense reforms, shall retain the full benefit of protection by our police force. In this way, we can collect data in real time to present to the public on which direction this country ought to head. Everyone will get exactly what they ask for. Whether they like the result is another matter.
I’m sure members of Congress such as Representative Lauren Boebert will be just fine, since they make everyday Bring Your Gun to Work Day. I’ve no doubts that Congresswoman Boebert will be able to hold her own against a vicious mob that tried to attack her in her home or office, or some lunatic coming at her on the streets with a knife.
For the rest of you, however, who are anti-gun and anti-police … good luck. If at any point, you change your mind, I’ll be in the Oval Office ready to take your call. Though I suspect I won’t even have to wait until tomorrow before I hear from you.