Thank you for submitting your required DNA sample to Woke DNA. This report contains important legal information. Keep it in a safe place.
Introduction:
DNA testing is an important way to know where you fit in the intersectional matrix, but there are things that it can’t do. DNA testing cannot accurately predict life expectancy. Too many environmental and behavioral factors are at work beyond DNA makeup. More importantly, it can’t determine gender and is only slightly more reliable than your birth certificate. Every enlightened person knows that you can’t tell a person’s gender until they are in their 20’s.
Your results are as follows:
European: 100%
England and Northwestern Europe: 50%
Germanic Europe: 20%
Scandinavia: 10%
Baltics: 5%
Other European: 4%
Close DNA Matches:
Barak Obama is a 4th-6th cousin.
Health:
No health indications are included in this report. Your sample has been forwarded to DHHS for processing and analysis.
Determinations:
You are 100% European. Unfortunately, that means you are the beneficiary of white privilege and an oppressor of minorities. If you had even one drop of African blood, you would be able to identify as a minority yourself. You may still have other redeeming intersectional qualities that cannot yet be identified through DNA. You will need to document these in other ways.
IMPORTANT:
Your Woke DNA results will be sent to the Department of Equity And Diversity. The attached W-66 form will be required along with all other intersectional documentation you may provide with your tax forms. Someone of your ancestry can expect to be taxed at a higher bracket.
Your results will comprise 33% of your overall Social Justice Score which is tabulated on your tax form. See the appropriate forms for details.
You may contest these findings with the Office of White Fragility. Know that most disputes are resolved quickly, resulting in elevated tax brackets for the oppressor.
6 replies on “Woke DNA (A CRT Parody)”
Good piece, funny and frightening in equal measure.
Me: 45% Scottish. 30% German. 21% Irish. 4% Scandinavian(probably Viking) European oppresser? Try to oppress me and see what happens. Where is my claymore? (Yes, I have one.) Lets see. Guns. Check. Claymore. Check. Hand and a half sword. Check. Long sword (2). Check. Short sword. Check. War hammer (my zombie apocalypse weapon of choice). Check. Horseman flail (also called morning star sometimes. Spiked ball on a chain attached to a handle) (2). Check. Three daggers that i can remember.Check. knowledge of how to make: Gunpowder, nitroglycerin, thermite, TNT, various other explosives, various poisons. Check. Guess that’s a start. ( I badly want a shian dubh . Small one edge knife generally worn in a Scotmans sock. I have the claymore. Add in broach (have it) sporran, kilt and bagpipes (want one and want to learn to play). Gee, I guess I identify as Scottish. )
Some facts about the sgian dubh. The name means “black/dark knife”, as in the famous Highland regiment, the Black Watch (Am Freiceadan Dubh). In the context of both cases the black/dark means hidden or stealthy, as in Black Ops.
The sgian dubh was usually worn hidden, under clothing, often in a form of shoulder holster. When a guest in another’s home it was polite to wear it openly, tucked into your kilt hose (sock). This is how it is worn today as part of national dress.
It is legal in the UK to wear a sgian dubh in this way if wearing the kilt to this day, although there are some restrictions.
Thanks for the info. I knew some of it, but the Scottish name for the Black Watch was welcome. The day just got better; I learned something new. (I also notice the spelling difference. I thought your spelling was correct, but when I looked it up, the spelling was the one I used.)
https://youtu.be/7XI4tDCmevQ
From The Babylon Bee
Love it! Thanks.