Have you ever rolled your eyes at some policy written by an administrative staff that seems to ignore the reality of a situation and which produces stupid and pointless procedures you have to follow? An example of this would be the following policy for a local hospital:
NEW
HOSPITAL POLICY FOR CODE OMEGA SITUATIONS
1. This policy has been established to detail procedures
to follow in the event of a catastrophic impact by a meteor, asteroid, comet or
other heavenly body. The internal hospital warning for such an event will
be passed as “Code Omega.”
2. As many of you know, a large iron-nickel meteor is currently
headed toward Earth. This large asteroid is some 50 miles in diameter and
will arrive on Earth at 9:49 p.m. on December 21st of this year.
This asteroid is projected land in an area of the Atlantic Ocean 500 miles
offshore. The asteroid is radar-measured to be traveling at 44.9 miles
per second and is expected to strike the Earth with an energy rating of 1.88
X10 to the tenth power in Megatons. Impact effects are predicted to be
felt within the local area. These effects are expected to occur in successive
pulses or waves as follows:
a. The asteroid will begin to break up as it hits
the outer atmosphere at 238,000 feet. It will strike the surface of the
sea as multiple disembodied chunks that will create a 259 mile-wide crater in
the surface of the Atlantic and gouge a 159-mile wide crater in the sea
floor some 1.21 miles below the surface.
b. Impacting only 500 miles offshore, the local area will
be inside the resulting fireball, which will arrive approximately 35.7 seconds
after impact. The fireball is expected to light the area with a
brightness some 277 times brighter than the sun and will radiate the entire
state for 3.09 hours, producing about 4,810 rads of radiation per square
inch. Because of this, all personnel should keep a sunscreen with an SPF
rating of at least 30 on hand at all times. The radiation will decimate
most living biological organisms. On the positive side, this will
eliminate almost all harmful bacteria on this side of the planet.
The downside is that the local area will become a momentary furnace. The
EMP generated will likely also knock all Earthly radio and TV off-line,
including Gray’s Anatomy and General Hospital. Sorry, nurses.
c. The fireball and EMP will be followed five seconds
later with a massive shock wave, creating an air blast with a gust front with
winds of 5,760 miles per hour. Such winds will apply a momentary overpressure
that will flatten most standing structures and will result in wind noise
exceeding 140 Decibels. Any unprotected individuals will be likely be deafened.
On the other hand, the good side is that the air shock wave will most likely
blow out all of the most massive fires.
d. At 2.68 minutes after impact, a massive Earthquake resulting
from the impact will arrive in the local area and will exceed 11.5 on the
Richter Scale. This is greater than any Earthquake known to Man. Any
structures still standing will collapse and be shaken about like gravel in a
prospector’s pan, grinding the leftover debris into sand.
e. Ejecta from the meteorite crater will arrive as fallout
some 7.27 minutes after impact. This ejecta will arrive mostly as
volcanic ash, plus a few skyscraper-sized boulders tossed in amid showers of
glowing magma. The ejecta fallout will cover the local area in 236 feet of
volcanic ash. The good side is that it this ashfall is expected to snuff
out any remaining fires.
f. Approximately 7.1 hours after impact, a massive Tsunami
some 170 feet high will arrive at local shorelines and inundate the entire half
of the state, turning it into a charred, sandy sea bottom chock full of
debris. This tsunami, arriving on top of the two hundred foot ash fall is
expected to cause power shortages and possible brownouts throughout the state.
The good side is that it will solve several renovation issues within the city
concerning dilapidated buildings and structures. The downside is that FEMA will not have sufficient
scuba gear for everyone. For that reason, residents are urged to have a
life jacket at all times and to take swimming lessons. Tides are expected to be high with this surge. Maritime craft should take care when heading
off to sea. Fishermen are warned to stay clear of all docks and piers
during the tsunami unless they have a permit allowing them to be there.
3. While the meteor impact will have definite negative effects
on the local area and on many hospital activities, it should be remembered that
not all Code Omega results are negative. A few positive examples are
listed below:
a. The Earth will
not lose any noticeable amount of mass from this impact.
b. The Earth’s axial
tilt will not be affected.
c. The Earth’s orbit around the sun is not expected to be
affected.
d. Deductions will not be required on any insurance
policies that have requisite asteroid impact clauses.
e. This is a fairly rare event that occurs only every 4 to
4.5 billion years. You will be among the only human generation to
ever see such an asteroid strike.
4. In order to keep all hospital activities running
smoothly during a Code Omega, the following procedures will be adhered to
closely:
a. All windows and doors will be closed at least 5 minutes
before expected asteroid impact.
b. All lights in unused rooms will be turned off in order
to conserve vital electricity.
c. Immediately notify Security when an asteroid has
impacted the Earth by using the walkie-talkie in ER or by calling 555-2617
Extension 4 on the emergency hospital phones. Be prepared to describe the
size, mass and speed of the asteroid, and give precise directions as to where
asteroid struck the Earth.
d. All personnel should move away from windows where
flying glass may be a hazard.
e. All oxygen sources except for hand-held cannisters used
by critical OCPD patients shall be turned off at impact.
f. Medicines and breakables should be secured prior to
protect them from earthquake.
g. Hearing
protection will be issued for all personnel. Medical doctors and nurses
shall each receive a noise-cancelling headset. Other personnel inside the
hospital shall receive foam ear plugs to protect against the 140 dB noise.
h. All ventilation and air conditioning systems should be
turned off 1 minute before fallout arrives in order to prevent clogged air
conditioning filters.
i. Employees will sandbag all seaward entrances to protect
hospital facilities from tidal surge starting when recalled for that task. Gloves and safety helmets must be worn at work
at all times.
j. Upon impact, all all vacation and leaves will
be cancelled for the foreseeable future.
k. Do not park cars in the east parking lot. The
east lot is reserved for emergency vehicles. Please move all other
vehicles inside the parking garage to protect them from fallout.
l. Employees should notify their insurance companies
immediately of any damage to their personal property. Employees should
have policy numbers ready as well as digital cameras to get photos of any
asteroid damage to personal property.
m. Hospital staff will refrain from screaming or crying
hysterically during Code Omegas as this his upsets our staff, patients and employees
and destroys the domestic tranquility we wish to maintain at this hospital.
o. When the fireball arrival is imminent, please stand
away from all windows. If your clothes catch fire from the flash,
remember to stop, drop, and roll. When the windblast is approaching,
assume a survival position by kneeling against a wall, facing away from
all windows and doors, lower your head with your arms to protect it, and kiss
your tail goodbye.
p. Always ensure a working fire extinguisher handy at your
workstation at all times.
q. Follow the instructions of fire department, police, and
EMT personnel promptly and immediately.
r. Do not use the
vending machines located in the alcove of Vending Bay on Floor Three as those vending
machine are reserved exclusively for the use of ER doctors and ER staff.
Other staff members, including all interns, candy stripers and non-ER nurses,
should use vending machines located on other floors.
4. By following the procedures contained in this guideline,
you should experience the most pleasant Code Omega possible.
Thank you and have a
wonderful day.
HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION
